A woman possibly using AI to help murder her husband – a play

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Roisin, 40-plus woman, walks around a body lying on the ground, covered in a shroud. She lifts it, looks, puts it down. Starts walking again. Stops, as if something occurred to her, goes back, lifts, and looks again. Kate, also a 40-plus woman, walks onto the stage holding a manilla folder. Kate: Hi, I’m… Roisin: A mother or a whore?

Kate: Sorry?

Are those my only options?

Roisin: You can be neither. Both would probably be too much work. Kate: Ah, neither. Kate. Roisin: Roisin. Means “little rose.” I assume that “little” is supposed to be cute. But it makes me think of those cheap spray roses that fill out bouquets. If you give someone a dozen of those, they won’t think cute, they'll just think you're cheap. Kate: Right. Are you a mom or a whore?

Roisin: What a weird thing to ask someone you just met. Especially your superior. No. But it's also none of your business. So, maybe. Gestures to the body. Roisin: So what do we got here?

Kate: Uh… Kate looks through her manilla folder. Roisin: Come on, you need a folder to tell you it's a dead body?

Kate stops. Gets a bit angry. Gets closer. Kate: Okay, what the fuck?

Let me guess. If I had said it's a dead body you'd have said “well, I could have told you that.” And if I just repeated what's in this folder, you'd have just said “well, I can read too.” Is this some bullshit hazing thing?

Or you're trying to make me quit because you like working alone?

Or…?

Roisin: Don't cuss. I hate cussing. Roisin lifts the shroud. Roisin: Do you think he likes cussing?

Kate: As much as what?

Popsicles?

I bet he likes them about the same now. Roisin: Notice anything unique about the body?

Kate comes really close to the body. Looks it over for quite a while. Kate: I give up. What’s unique?

Roisin: I don’t know. I’m not sure there is anything unique. I was just hoping you saw something unique because then it might make this case way more interesting. Come on, let’s go. Roisin leaves stage left, Kate follows. Lights down. Lights up. Rosin and Kate are seated at a table at a coffee shop, drinking from coffee-shop paper cups. Roisin: Ah, my favorite part of the job. Drinking coffee. Kate: This is part of the job?

Roisin: Are you getting paid?

Kate: I mean, I’m on the clock… Roisin: Then it’s part of the job. Also, you poop on the clock with me, you understand?

Kate: Uh… Okay?

Roisin: Yeah, hell anything you want to do. If you work 40 hours, you’re a sucker. This job doesn’t pay enough for 40 hours. I’m not doing 40 hours. People with kids: They aren’t doing 40 hours. I don’t have kids so I have to work more?

Screw that. It’s like smokers take smoke breaks. Great. But if you don’t smoke: Don’t work more than smokers. Take a fresh air break. You are smart enough not to get a nicotine addiction, but not smart enough to realize you deserve a break just as much?

Come on. Similarly, you’re smart enough not to have kids, but dumb enough to have a work addiction?

Come on. Roisin drinks her beverage. Roisin: So, you figure it out yet?

Kate: What?

Who killed Mr. Schoenenfrazzelnitz?

Rosin: Sure. Kate: I don’t think it works like that. Don’t we interview people, figure out who has means and opportunity, get forensic evidence… Roisin: I mean, you could do it that way. But it’s a lot of work. I say, go for the most likely suspect and just see if they’ll confess. Kate: And who would that be?

Schoenenfrazzelnitz is loved by everyone. His colleagues, his neighbors, his barber... Roisin: Well the barber is biased. He’s got to say that he likes him to keep him as a customer. I mean, granted, he’s not going to be getting a cut any time soon, but, you know, word gets around. Kate: During a murder investigation?

Do you typically let it slip what the barber really thinks about their once-a-month, Friday, 2:30 PM customer?

Roisin: If it helps the investigation, of course. Kate: And how does it help the investigation?

Roisin: Like this: “Oh sure, neighbor so-and-so, you say he’s loved by all, and that’s what we thought too, but